imissyouverybig June 11, 2008

and you are back to your place. yes, your place. yes, the place you call your own without ever pertaining to the legalities and documented rights.  yes, the place your heart never ceases to recognize, the place that always abates your mind’s unwarranted uproarings.

but what it once had been untarnished performance was multiple times slaughtered tonight.  because for the hundredth time that you tried to seek solace in its bosom, it also for the hundredth time failed you. every try breaks your heart even more than the last time.

after some more futile attempts, you gave up.  you got up and turned your back from the water that always witness your teary cheeks. you got up and turned your ears deaf from the once-soothing sound of waves spanking the rocks at the side of the street.  you got up and turned your eyes closed on the playful bright lights of the streetlamps. you got up and started to trek your way towards the dormitory.  you got up and you gave up.

you finally discovered how tremendously you are aching that no world’s wonder can abate it. because no other presence you are craving than his.

imissyouverybig (a sequel) December 31, 2008

After some months, you came back.  Filled with same different thoughts and different same sentiments.  You remembered the last time you saw your place; the first time it failed you.  Now you were there with same hope that it could succeed in making you less lost and less of a walkin-depression.  This time might be the time for it to redeem its lost old glory.

You started staring off into the vast night of starless, moonless sky. One down, you thought.  For the moon and the stars were your favorites in that place along with hundred others.  You gazed at the familiar vast black water, the seemingly crystal waves hitting the rocks, the colorful lights of the distannt yatch sailing across the lake to entertain the diners.  Immediately, the sadness plummeted a degree lower.  Auditory channels became sensitive of the blurry sound of fast cars on the highway behind you, the bus screeching to halts, the balut vendors calling out to people amidst the bellows of your ipod.  The familiar tingles ran down your spine, taking more depression in an avalanche.  You shifted to a  comfortable position on the rocks you were sitting on.  For the first time after thousand nights or so, you were positive.

You started to get up, get up and leave your place.  You started to trek towards the dormitory.  With your every step, you thought that you might not be positively blissful of the night’s outcome but still glad that you’re not exactly on the deconstructively depressive end of the continuum.  You felt almost convincingly all right even when you knew that as the vast starless, moonless night were hugging you and kissing you tenderly, he was kissing and embracing her with more passion than he ever gave you.

introspect July 9, 2009

The art of introspection is something you have mastered, which is quite expected given the situation you found yourself in for the last month and a year.  in fact, it has become the only source of comfort as much as it also has become the source of confusion.  Introspection opened you to understanding the whys and the hows of the matter, a deviation from the usual whats, whens, and wheres superficial people are only interested on. It makes you a bit deeper, and maybe, a bit crazy, too.

i can tolerate anything but June 9, 2009

I hate ringing telephones, especially if i have to answer them. Not knowing who is on the other end just gives me creeps.  But this is exclusive to corporate phones only as many people shares on the same number.  Personal mobile and home phones are less cruel because it is seldom that i will have to talk with strangers through them but office phones are really another story.

I hate plan cancellations, especially if i look forward to the plan, regardless of how positive of negative i feel toward it. I usually set my mind to what i will do for the day, or the week.  A plan, which means it is ’something’ because it is ‘planned’, becomes a highlight of my day and everything else revolves around it so cancellation of it is tantamount to crushing of the foundation of my schedule. Nothing can really ruin my day than this.

I hate people who intrude into our close-group kwentuhans, especially if i and my friend plans to talk about something private.  I know much that addition or subtraction of people change the way conversations go.

I hate crowded restaurants. I am very particular with restau ambience.  I love eating on relaxing restaurants and i am picky with table spots.  I should never be seeing people coming and going when i am eating, it stresses me out.  The lighting and ventilation must be good or else i would never be able to enjoy even the most delectable dish.  But this only applies in restaurants, and to a point, in food courts.  Fastfoods and streetfoods are another story, hey, i am not that impossible.

I hate ill-fitting jeans. That is why i am always in shorts, skirts, or dresses, never in jeans – i am never able to find a perfect pair. I want jeans that hug my thighs, not too fit yet not loose.  The waistband must be stylish yet comfortable.  The pockets must frame my behind in the most perfect form, making it seemingly bigger than real. It must fall exactly on my ankle if the bottom is loose cut, and exactly above it if the form is fit.

I hate singkamas.  I just can’t eat them.

I hate manila air. and i do’t know anybody who loves it.

I hate public speaking. Sorry, ma’am sarile and ma’am adeva.  I just can’t do it without being lost for words, stammering, butterflies in the stomach, and drying of lips.  i just can’t.  But i am never stopping on trying. Even if every time i do, i die.

I hate not being appreciated.

Protected: alam ko June 8, 2009

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For now, you enjoy the game. May 30, 2009

You are gloating and loathing. This is not healthy, that you are aware of but still doesn’t stop you from continuously feeding yourself some hatred over a matter that you are not really in control of.  You feed yourself lines that tell you how you are in the lead of the game but in reality, you never know about it and there really is no way of knowing about it until the gamelord gives his answer.  You can never be sure until the honor of winning the game is given to you.  Until then, you just rely on what your surrounding provides you, which can be true and false at the same time. 

With all the uncertainties and pressure you feel, you are bounded to feel hatred for all your competitors, those you know and not, those who are left behind and those who keeps up with you, those who are sutre to lose and those who are having chances at winning.  They threaten you all.

You continue to play competitively.  You feel the must to hold on and win even if you are not seeing the sense of playing anymore. All that is left to drive you to the goal is the anticipated exhilaration of winning, not with a deeper purpose that you once had when you joined the play.

Despite the challenges that almost thrown you off the battle area, you still fight headstrongly.  You vowed to throw off all the blocks and towering challenges that pose your way.  In the course of doing so, you also crush all the other challengers.  You play rough and wild yet fair. 

You don’t know how this will end.  You might find yourself tired of it all tomorrow and decide that it’s all senseless or you might keep on fighting until the end.  You might find yourself being awarded by the best token for winning or you might find yourself weeping at the side, grieving over all the lost energy from finishing the competition.  You might find yourself being thrown off the battle ring or you might find yourself playing with no other challengers alive.  But however this game will end, you are playing still because you can never live with what-ifs and what-could-have-beens.  You are playing becuase in the tiniest part of your heart and at the back most part of your mind, something is saying that you have the chance at winning.

You chase challenges.  The game is fitting in this sense for it is which the gamelord is making more challenging at each passing minute.  The challenge that dries you but fires you even further.  You chase it and it transforms you.  With all these, you actually enjoy the game.

The clock is ticking. May 23, 2009

After the clock strikes twelve tonight..

It will only be a week before my life ultimately changes.  It will only be seven days to make lasting memories to accompany me until octogenarian years.  It will only be 168 hours to cherish moments with the people dear to me.  It will only be 10080 minutes to savor the safe feeling exuded by my comfort zones.  It will only be 604800 seconds to spend with my old life.  Only a short time before life turn another oneeighty degrees on me.

It has been different since the day i finished my thesis and completed my college clearance.  It has been the moment that signaled the end of a chapter in my life.  They had been the warnings of the end of everything that is important and cherished. It has been different since then but the finale is just about to come in a week’s worth.  The last straws planted will be pulled off.  The last leaves of my life in the old tree will fall down on the ground.

I am missing the old faces.  But i will yet start missing the old places.  My comfort zone has stopped being comfortable.  I will now have to start moving on, seek  for a new one, literally as much as figuratively.

I am missing the old places.  But i will miss the old faces even more  so.  I will miss the dates and places, the banters and laughters.  The people who had been the biggest, hugest part of me will wander off, too, as i go.  We will part miles away physically – and i hope just physically. One will live down south as the other will have to move up north. As for me, i will start going on in circles.

The clock is ticking.

i believe in list May 20, 2009

i believe in books.  i believe in hugs. i believe in blogging.  i believe in love. i believe in sex.  i believe in alcoholic drinks.  i believe in pillows.  i believe in chocolates.  i believe in challenges.  i believe in parks, in walking, and in my ipod.  i believe in kisses, especially his forehead kisses.  i believe in kissing. i believe in pictures and stories. i believe in coffees.  i believe in friends.  i believe in constant attention, in relevance and in utmost care.   i believe in traveling and in staying in bed all day.  i believe in holding hands. i believe in hugging while sleeping.  i believe in beaches and fields. i believe in spending time together. i believe in clouds and stars.  i believe in lying on grass and looking up the sky while chatting hours away.  i believe in my alma mater, UP. i believe in idyllic times. sometimes i believe in karma, and i believe in fate. i believe in dresses, highheeled shoes, and big bags. i believe in red.  and i believe in passion.  i believe in tears.  i believe in peanut butter, and carrot cakes. i believe in meeting his friends and colleagues.  i believe in necklaces.  i believe in my planner. i believe in money. i believe in hurting but i believe in coming around.  i believe my intuition and assumptions.  i believe in his contradicting words and actions.  i believe in time and effort. i believe in wit. i believe in my fashion sense.  i believe in dancing.  i believe in all these things and in changes so maybe tomorrow, these won’t be what i believe in anymore.

dumb like that by vroom May 19, 2009

I think I’ve seen every star in the sky tonight
Removed from the city lights, has never seemed so bright
I know I shouldn’t believe a word you say.
I do anyway, cause I’m dumb like that.

And all the words I’ve given to you
When you smiled I thought that it meant something else.
You were just being yourself, being nice,
You’re always rather polite to me.

You let me down again, when you ignored the things I said to you
If I was scared of you then maybe I could leave
And if I walked away right now,
There would be nothing left for me to lose but doubt.

I Never fell so far for anyone before, never again I swore,
With you hope was restored. You Make me feel like I’ve been torn apart
I don’t like that at all. I’ve lost control

And all the words I’ve given to you, I poured my heart out into an empty coffee
Cup, you drank it up, & left me here to drown, alone.
You let me down again, when you ignored the things I said to you.
If I was scared of you, then maybe I could leave.
Cause if I walked away right now, there would be nothing left for me to lose
But I can’t lose you I can’t lose you

I think I’ve seen every star that I care to see,
But I don’t wanna leave. It hurts when you’re self deceived
I know I shouldn’t believe a word you say, I do it anyway, cause I’m dumb like that.

And all the words I’ve given to you
When you smiled I thought that it meant something else.
You were just being yourself, being nice, your always rather polite to me.

You let me down again, when you ignored the things I said to you
If I was scared of you then maybe I could leave
Cause if I walked away right now,
There would be nothing left for me to lose but doubt.
But doubt, but doubt.
There’s nothing left, there’s nothing left for me to lose but doubt,
There’s nothing left, there’s nothing left for me to lose but doubt,
There’s nothing left, there’s nothing left.

 

***************

i am dumb like that

Protected: say goodbye, beb May 19, 2009

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you are my favorite May 17, 2009

i love you, beb,  just because.

May 16, 2009

you are busy, always a bustle of activities. there are many things going on around you, pulling you from left and right, back and front and sides. i am fearing that they’re taking you away from me but i am not to stop you or join in the pulling.  i’ll just watch you launch yourself in the middle of everthing, jumping from one action to another, all the time waiting if and when you’ll share your time with me without so much asking for it.

and maybe, just maybe, if they finally succeeded into doing what i dreaded, i will just follow you around with my gaze.  so that if for a fleeting second you accidentally glance my way and our eyes meet, i can send you the message that when things are getting rough and dull, you can  always go back to me and we’ll have a good time.

and maybe, as you are doing this, i will be doing y own stuff so that there’ll something i can share more than just saying i waited for you.

May 16, 2009

gaano nga ba kalayo ang pagitan ng dalawang taong magkatalikuran? sabi ni bob ong, “kailangan mo pang libutin ang buong mundo para makaharap ang taong tinalikuran mo”.

ilang beses ka na nga bang tinalikuran?  marami na, napakarami na. hindi mo na nga inintinding bilangin pa, nakakasawa na.  ngunit sa tuwing nanaisin niyang makita ka, ikaw ang umiikot sa buong mundo para makaharap lang ulit ang taong tumalikod sayo.

nature’s ride May 16, 2009

another cycle of seasons have unfolded, dragging you within its curved wallls.  you had it all in just a span of a year, you got it all.  you had been astoundingly beautiful  and careless on spring, stunning and festive in summer, depressed and weeping in fall, and cold and alone in winter. you truly got it all, experienced it all.

you let yourself be swung by the force, nature’s force.  you decided steadfastly that nature’s force, after all, is nothing you can ever win a fight on.  hands down, without even an iota of effort to go against it. it was then that your fateful journey of life started.

your destiny had been mapped out for you the instant you joined in the swung.  as much as it was sure as a sun shinning that you were to be exhilarated by the transcendental experience, so were the fact that you’d turn ice and weep blood eventually. it was a given.  you would change from one state if disrepair to another as season changes from one to the other.

it is spring again, in a short while turning summer. as fate and the seasons would have it, you are happy now. happy and beautiful, with bounce on your every step. but you are bound to get hurt again by the ruthlessness of fall and indifference of winter.  it is a given, brace yourself for another year of one hell of a ride. after all, you are still within the nature’s walls, doing nothing to break the force.

work it, beb, work it. May 15, 2009

i really want it to work. i really want it to work for many reasons that i’ve got.  i want it to waork so i can prove myself that i can.  i want it to work because i want to earn.  but above everything else, like a shadow looming over me, is the fear that if it don’t, we’ll have no more reason to be together anymore.  i want that something that will bind us together still, no matter how loose that bind is.  i want it.  but is it for me to get?

i resign from being a bum :) May 15, 2009

week before i graduated, i launched myself into a jobhunt. i believed that the earlier i start, the better.  so as soon as i had smoothened the clearance glitches, i rode the bus to ayala, makati and showered the advertising agencies with my resumes.  but no matter how early i launched the rocket, it still was too long before i skyrocketed.

i believed much in my resume.  it looked really impressive.  i had put time into organizing my qualifications.  i made it appear really full and rounded, thanks to all the huge academic requirements i had done and all the organizational responsibilities i had handled. it’s direct to the point while showing how well-rounded and dynamic i can be. but maybe, in my attempt to show everything that i’ve got, human resources people just saw me as a jack of all trades and master of none rather than a queem who knows everything that i was trying to project. luckily, one of my choice companies saw the queen amidst all those clutter of jacks.  (or maybe they just really love all my jacks that they didn’t bother to look for a queen.  after all,  with all the trainings i will get from them, i will transform into jack-queen-king-ace, all rolled into one.)

i have always wanted to work into an ad agency (or events management company) rather than in a huge corporation that everyone seems to be eyeing on.  i’d rather work in a small environment while handling different clients and brands than immersing myself into one huge name that i must protect from the moment i let me be cradled in its bosom.  i never wanted working in formal, boxed organizational systems.  i have always been a free spirit full of creativity within.  i wanted to unleash it and there’s no way i can do that while maintaining the corpo image.  besides, i never fancied wearing blazers and tailored blouses and skirts.  i much rather wear dresses that fall above knees. i can list too  many other reasons why i am almost anti-corporations but i think that ain’t necessary anymore.  i have made my point loud and clear – i have always wanted to blossom in an agency brimming with fun pressure. and there weren’t many good agencies looking for new employees, thus i was stanched.

i have always believed there is something out there waiting for me, just like the way i had found leo burnett for my internship.  i may have waited too long yet when i finally found it, it was worth all the wait.  it was the perfect job for me.  so even when i was getting all emo and depressed from the fact that i still didn’t have a job, i was positive that i’d bring home the toasted bacon in the end.  but the job couldn’t wait for me anymore.  it found me, yes, it found me. 

i will not be a bum starting monday.

May 15, 2009

one season have passed again.  you had been beautiful on spring, stunning on summer, depressed on fall, and cold and alone on winter.  you had it all, you experienced it all.