imissyouverybig
and you are back to your place. yes, your place. yes, the place you call your own without ever pertaining to the legalities and documented rights. yes, the place your heart never ceases to recognize, the place that always abates your mind’s unwarranted uproarings.
but what it once had been untarnished performance was multiple times slaughtered tonight. because for the hundredth time that you tried to seek solace in its bosom, it also for the hundredth time failed you. every try breaks your heart even more than the last time.
after some more futile attempts, you gave up. you got up and turned your back from the water that always witness your teary cheeks. you got up and turned your ears deaf from the once-soothing sound of waves spanking the rocks at the side of the street. you got up and turned your eyes closed on the playful bright lights of the streetlamps. you got up and started to trek your way towards the dormitory. you got up and you gave up.
you finally discovered how tremendously you are aching that no world’s wonder can abate it. because no other presence you are craving than his.
imissyouverybig (a sequel)
After some months, you came back. Filled with same different thoughts and different same sentiments. You remembered the last time you saw your place; the first time it failed you. Now you were there with same hope that it could succeed in making you less lost and less of a walkin-depression. This time might be the time for it to redeem its lost old glory.
You started staring off into the vast night of starless, moonless sky. One down, you thought. For the moon and the stars were your favorites in that place along with hundred others. You gazed at the familiar vast black water, the seemingly crystal waves hitting the rocks, the colorful lights of the distannt yatch sailing across the lake to entertain the diners. Immediately, the sadness plummeted a degree lower. Auditory channels became sensitive of the blurry sound of fast cars on the highway behind you, the bus screeching to halts, the balut vendors calling out to people amidst the bellows of your ipod. The familiar tingles ran down your spine, taking more depression in an avalanche. You shifted to a comfortable position on the rocks you were sitting on. For the first time after thousand nights or so, you were positive.
You started to get up, get up and leave your place. You started to trek towards the dormitory. With your every step, you thought that you might not be positively blissful of the night’s outcome but still glad that you’re not exactly on the deconstructively depressive end of the continuum. You felt almost convincingly all right even when you knew that as the vast starless, moonless night were hugging you and kissing you tenderly, he was kissing and embracing her with more passion than he ever gave you.
where has my head fallen off?
Status: Don’t contradict your actions with insincere words. Identifiable lies sting.
So I ain’t important. Not even a glance towards my direction, eh? And when I tried to voice out my frustration for not having that glance and hug I so crave, my head was bitten off. Thus, I stop thinking.
Status: I miss beb very, very really.
The days have been passing by without my conscious mind riding with the waves of time. I have been pretty much left behind while everyone and everything are eagerly moving forward to brand new things and experiences. Yes, I don’t proactively accept change. But I don’t proactively resist it either. I am just.. passive to everything.
I still hold the old memories of us close to my heart. On a positive note now. The flashbacks only lights my face with positive, absolute smiles. They still warm my heart, showering ecstatic and jubilant chills down my spine.
No, I am not holding on to the past. I am not trying to physically prolong it. But I hold on to the only time that I’ve been ‘that’ happy. The only time that I’ve had that kind of bliss.
And no, I don’t hold on to the person anymore. The way we are now is completely a different story. I have learned to disassociate him with the guy I was with. I had accepted that my guy already went away, to a place i know not of, and he won’t ever come back to hold and kiss me the same way again. But from time to time, I have to admit I still miss him.
What we had shook me at the highest intensity and affected me seriously. To a certain degree, it was even malign. People say that “You experience the pain but you remember the happiness”, and I don’t disagree with them. I remember the happiness, sometimes even too vividly. But it is the same happiness that stops me from chasing it again. Because from what I had experienced, that kind of happiness has equal, and sometimes even greater, level of opposite feeling which would get me in time. That unbearable sadness is what I am trying to avert. By not opening up to the positives, I am also blocking the negatives. It might not make any sense to you but it keeps me sane. I’d rather not have anything for the meantime.
I miss beb, I badly miss beb 
Sometimes, I hope to see again that smile that lights up your eyes when you’re looking at me. I may never really have that again but can you blame me for trying?
I miss and I am happy that I do
