what shall i do?
sometimes, i wonder where things are going. i dont even remember now what i am fighting for. I dont even know now what i am doing here. At first i thought he wants me to stay, but now i am not sure. was it just me, pretending he does all along?
The thing is, i thought i can take everything just so i can be with him. i just want him to be mine (not exactly mine mine, but mine at the end of each day nonetheless. You get me?). All i need is him telling me he wants me there, and i’ll gladly take all the bullshits. but then, maybe he doesn’t really care if im here or not.
i think the reason i am being clingy is because i dont want to loose him despite everything. but no matter how much i hold on, he still slides away. There will come a day when he’ll be so far away that i wouldn’t be able to grip him, that ill be just a part of his distant past. I am afraid of that day but i know that it is inevitable. especially because it is him who doesn’t see us together in any way in futures. i dont want to picture a life without him. but what if he doesn’t really care about me. what can i do?
i do things for him. i give time and effort. but i dont think he appreciates it. i guess my efforts are among those stuff that he doesn’t really care if he has or not. its among those things he doesn’t really notice. in effect, my efforts are into trash bin. so i guess, i do question myself why i do things for him if he doesn’t care.
but maybe i still do things for him because i love him, i care for him. i think he needs me. even if he really doesn’t see it. even if he doesn’t really care.
Though i am slowly regreting. Though i am slowly feeling that everything was just wasted efforts.
I see little girls with their happy smiles. i see them and i know its because they think he such a treat. they dont know yet the wolf lurking inside. that wolf that i love despite all his shits. I want to warn the little girls but i can’t. because i love him so that i can’t destroy his little source of happiness.
i guess, the bottomline of it all is i love him. but it still doesn’t answer my question of what shall i do now.
