Pretend oh-kay
Status: Pretension is my game.
Every waking working morning, I receive a message from you. Sometimes, only to say good morning, sometimes to ask whatever you didn’t get to ask the night before because sleep got into you. Sometimes, you wake me up with naughty bits of talks, sometimes you sing me a line from a song.
Every working morning, you’d be the first one to greet me with a buzz on messenger, saying random things like anime lines or ‘nandyan ka na pala’ variations. We’d banter and laugh, quarrel and kid, exchange stories and even obscenities. Never was a time we weren’t virtually together.
That was until you decided to go. Yes, I simply chose the kindest line to describe everything that happened between us in those fatefully difficult days. You stopped talking with me, save that moment you told me you hate me much and you don’t care.
You never cared, so there’s nothing new about the latter line but the former shook the sanity out of me. I believe you have absolutely no right to hate me.. absolutely. Don’t you think there should be a reverse of roles here? Definitely. But no matter how much mad I get from your unfounded hatred, I still can’t help but miss you still.
And yes, I still keep an open window of your YM – as if we’re still talking. I stare at it from hours on end, thinking if I should buzz you one more time.. But I always decide against it on the end. Why torture you more with my presence? But the open window, empty it may be, is healthy for my pretension show.
unfinished thought
I fear for myself. I slowly see myself deteriorate, slowly feel worms of doubts, negativity, and foolishness eating me away. It is painstaking. I want to fight back, and I definitely know how to plot a winning ploy but I lost all intents and will to do so. I am fearing but I do nothing to eradicate it. I watch on the sideline as I wait for the doomsday to finally appear. *unfinished
Status: There is a guy.
There is this guy – yes, he is simply a guy, not a man – I badly hate yet I stupidly miss so much. I crave his hugs so immensely that I can almost feel his strong arms and grip around my frail body. I crave the hug more than the kiss though having both can definitely be classified as the ultimate bliss. I miss his masculine scent that is very pronounced especially at the end of each day.. I can go on and on and on breathing in his smell for entire days on end. I miss his antics, annoying they may be. I miss his laughter and smiling eyes, I miss his tears and annoyed, furrowed brows.
Yes, I miss him badly so. I miss him despite the tears he induced, despite the pain he produced. I miss him. I miss him.
