So I guess this is the goodbye.
Status: When things come, they avalanche.
Yes, I guess this is true. Too many things happen and they happen all at once. Changes occur and their weight is too heavy for my already too frail being. I’m wishing to carry them all but I know that later if not sooner, i would stumble from having them all. True, I am one of those people who hates being stagnant, who seeks for changes if they are for the better. But too much can also be a bad thing. See, for everything that happens to me, I need time to take it in. I heavily need transition period for adaptation. But when one comes after another, leaving me no room to resurface and breath again, I am not sure if I can survive.
This morning, i received the biggest of them all. The one that i have always dreaded but maintained at the back of mind because i thought it wouldn’t come yet for the next two years fast approached. It forwarded to the end of this week and the news of its arrival came with surprising suddenness that knocked me off. It left me with no air that until now i literally can’t breathe.
I held on. I held on tightly. I held on tightly even if it hurt. I held on tightly and blasted the bullshits even if it hurt. But i guess no matter how much i hold on, you will still slip away. And in a few days’ time, you will be out of my reach. Slowly slowly, you slide away. Going and going farther and farther till i can no more see the littlest of you.
No matter what i do, you will never stay with me. Hey, you even said it is okay that we don’t see each other. So i guess, on the weekend, it will be a goodbye.
because that’s the way things go.
In it’s deepest sense, time really does heal wounds. And if i have to admit it, i can strongly say I am healed. But i dont want to yet, maybe because i don’t want to risk admiting into something that i would just have to revoke later if some circumstances pave their way to me and slap me hard on the face. Think of this as my fear of feigning strength. After all, i only get this idea of uncaring at random moments. No, i won’t yet, just to be safe.
In essence, i don’t feel hurt anymore. And at the same time, with the same intensity, i don’t care already. Which, on moments of either conscious or subconscious introspection, i think is so sad. I used to love him to much, i used to care, but where has the love gone? It’s just so sad to think that the person you used to protect before would mean nothing to you now, even if it’s because t is what that person wants, you not to care for him.
It’s so sad to think that all my efforts were put on waste, that all my feelings would be forgotten. it’s just so sad to know that after some time, i won’t be part of his life anymore – that all of me would be erased in his story.
