Final Bow
Status: Two days and counting 
They say it takes twenty-one days to form a habit. This will then be the longest twenty-one days of my life. But it won’t be that hard, I guess. The timing couldn’t be more perfect. I’ll be extremely busy next week with lots of people around me. Immersing myself wouldn’t be that hard.. Before I know it, more than a week will be gone. On times I’d be missing him terribly, there’s always coffee and Zafra and maybe, just maybe, a couple sticks of cigarettes.
Adjustment is not difficult, it doesn’t pose that much changes in my somehow routinary life, anyway. He’s normally away, we don’t really see each other often. But I am missing having someone I could almost always talk with, from the most significant to the most trivial things. I miss having someone I can bother when boredom strikes or problems arise. I miss having someone who greets me in the morning. I miss having someone I can confide to without ever fearing that he might spill the beans if he gets mad at me. I miss having someone who will badger me with enough ‘umuwi ka na’ text to make me go home. I miss having someone who’ll tell me not to do this and that because he pseudocares. I miss having fights over trivial matters. I miss the seriously rare sleep hugs he used to give me. I miss the rollercoaster emotions we have day in, day out.
I guess I miss doing things for him, too. I love giving him shirts, that’s among the first things we did together. I love giving him medicine because I hate it when he’s ill up there and I can never be with him to ensure he’ll be all right. I miss looking for new stuff for him to try. I miss the fitting room trouncing. I miss everything.
We used to have plans for the coming days. No definite plans, just abstractions of what we would love to do. I hope that he’ll remember me even for just a fleeting moment once he gets the chance to do what we would’ve done should we had stayed together.
Should he change his mind and decides to talk with me again, I hope I haven’t gone that far away yet. I hope he wouldn’t experience from me what the past guys had. Speaking from a me who still badly cares for him, who doesn’t want him having a rough time, I want to protect him from myself. Because I am pretty sure that when I have gone far, I’ll either turn into a beast who’ll want revenge or a glacier who’ll turn him into an ice through sheer apathy.
So I guess this is the goodbye.
Status: When things come, they avalanche.
Yes, I guess this is true. Too many things happen and they happen all at once. Changes occur and their weight is too heavy for my already too frail being. I’m wishing to carry them all but I know that later if not sooner, i would stumble from having them all. True, I am one of those people who hates being stagnant, who seeks for changes if they are for the better. But too much can also be a bad thing. See, for everything that happens to me, I need time to take it in. I heavily need transition period for adaptation. But when one comes after another, leaving me no room to resurface and breath again, I am not sure if I can survive.
This morning, i received the biggest of them all. The one that i have always dreaded but maintained at the back of mind because i thought it wouldn’t come yet for the next two years fast approached. It forwarded to the end of this week and the news of its arrival came with surprising suddenness that knocked me off. It left me with no air that until now i literally can’t breathe.
I held on. I held on tightly. I held on tightly even if it hurt. I held on tightly and blasted the bullshits even if it hurt. But i guess no matter how much i hold on, you will still slip away. And in a few days’ time, you will be out of my reach. Slowly slowly, you slide away. Going and going farther and farther till i can no more see the littlest of you.
No matter what i do, you will never stay with me. Hey, you even said it is okay that we don’t see each other. So i guess, on the weekend, it will be a goodbye.
