Status: Pretension is my game.

Every waking working morning, I receive a message from you.  Sometimes, only to say good morning, sometimes to ask whatever you didn’t get to ask the night before because sleep got into you.  Sometimes, you wake me up with naughty bits of talks, sometimes you sing me a line from a song. 

Every working morning, you’d be the first one to greet me with a buzz on messenger, saying random things like anime lines or ‘nandyan ka na pala’ variations.  We’d banter and laugh, quarrel and kid, exchange stories and even obscenities. Never was a time we weren’t virtually together.

That was until you decided to go.  Yes, I simply chose the kindest line to describe everything that happened between us in those fatefully difficult days. You stopped talking with me, save that moment you told me you hate me much and you don’t care. 

You never cared, so there’s nothing new about the latter line but the former shook the sanity out of me. I believe you have absolutely no right to hate me.. absolutely. Don’t you think there should be a reverse of roles here? Definitely. But no matter how much mad I get from your unfounded hatred, I still can’t help but miss you still.

And yes, I still keep an open window of your YM – as if we’re still talking.  I stare at it from hours on end, thinking if I should buzz you one more time.. But I always decide against it on the end.  Why torture you more with my presence? But the open window, empty it may be,  is healthy for my pretension show.

I fear for myself. I slowly see myself deteriorate, slowly feel worms of doubts, negativity, and foolishness eating me away.  It is painstaking.  I want to fight back, and I definitely know how to plot a winning ploy but I lost all intents and will to do so.  I am fearing but I do nothing to eradicate it. I watch on the sideline as I wait for the doomsday to finally appear.  *unfinished

Status: There is a guy.

There is this guy – yes, he is simply a guy, not a man – I badly hate yet I stupidly miss so much.  I crave his hugs so immensely that I can almost feel his strong arms and grip around my frail body.  I crave the hug more than the kiss though having both can definitely be classified as the ultimate bliss. I miss his masculine scent that is very pronounced especially at the end of each day.. I can go on and on and on breathing in his smell for entire days on end. I miss his antics, annoying they may be.  I miss his laughter and smiling eyes, I miss his tears and annoyed, furrowed brows.

Yes, I miss him badly so.  I miss him despite the tears he induced, despite the pain he produced. I miss him. I miss him.

Status: If only I am still with you..

I’d let you know my latest stories.  You’d know how my Advertising Congress experience went. You’d know that it was never what I expected it to be.  You’d know that I got a thousand photos from the photo booth, and I was able to exploit them because they’re under my wings. You’d hear about lots of freebies I got -you’d evenn get most of my new stuff. I’d let you know that I saw many cute guys, one of which is from your sister school in Cebu – University of San Jose – Recoletos. You’d know that I’ve lived for days on a beachfront but I never got to enjoy the sea, I simply was too tired to do so.  You’d know that I loved the Rooftop Hotel restaurant we tried because they had enticed my taste buds plus their Tabataco was such a hit.  You’d know how lucky I felt when I found my two new pairs of red shoes in one of the stores along the streets of Olongapo by accident.  You’d know that I didn’t enjoy the party we organized because I was to have an early day after but I was thankful I went to a beach walk.  The foot portraits I did were love plus the fine sand was heaven by the sea.  you’d know how fun I had shopping at Royal supermarket. And you’d know how dead tired I was by the end of the week.  But I wouldn’t mind seeing you and going home to Manila with you if you’d like to.

If we still talk, you’d know how exactly I was victimized by the thief.  You’d know how badly I felt and how rattled I was but just a hug from you and I’d be bouncing again.   

If we’re still together, you’d hear about how I was rattled by the anger of an American client.  You’d know how I am not positive about the climate here after some glitches arose.  But I’d never quit because you’d never want me to.

If only I am still with you, you’d be the receiving end of my new knowledge about the stuff we love to do.  And you’d surely love me more for it. But.. I’d never know how this will end because you’ll never know anything I’d like you to know.

Status: Can’t get over.

Funny the turn of events are.  I seldom open my doors to people, I rarely let people get to me through my walls but even with my vain attempt to cover myself from harshness of the outside world, I was never spared. That one time I let somebody in was my downfall.

Most of the time, I feel gullible and I see myself as an easy target.  But through deep scrutiny, my words and actions prove otherwise.  It took a trained observant eye and sharp ears to decipher something about me that even the conscious me never realized.  But when it was brought out into the open, everything makes sense.

I don’t see my walls as my flaw.  In fact, I savor them. They let me survive, they protect me from further harm.  I just feel bad though that that one person I had let through me took the negative route on things.  I promise myself no one will get to me ever again.

1. Sleeping In on a Rainy Day – As the rain beats lightly against the window, you nestle your head deeper into your pillow.  The sound is soothing and your bed feels like a sanctuary.  There is no place you would rather be.
2. Finding Money You Didn’t Know You Had – You reach into your pocket and find a $20 bill from the last time you wore these jeans.  You aren’t rich, but you are richer than you were a second earlier.
3. Making Brief Eye Contact with Someone of the Opposite Sex – You pass her on the street or in the subway.  She glances up at you momentarily, making direct eye contact in a way that seems to communicate a subtle curiosity.  For a split second it makes you think… and then it’s gone.
4. Skinny Dipping – There is something mysteriously liberating about being naked in a body of water.  You are naked, but it feels natural, a sense of unrefined freedom.
5. Receiving a Real Letter or Package via Snail Mail – E-mail has become the primary source of written communication.  Most snail mail these days is junk mail.  When you check the mail and find a real letter or package from someone you know, excitement overtakes you as you tear into this rare gift.
6. Making the Yellow Light – It’s one of the most common simple pleasures, the act of beating the pack.  As you blaze through the yellow light you glance in your rearview to see all the cars behind you stopping at the red light.  Yes!  You made it!
7. Telling a Funny or Interesting, True Story – One of the most enticing roles you lead in life is that of the storyteller.  You love to share stories, especially those that will captivate your audience with deep curiosity and humor.  There are few things more satisfying than telling a true story that others enjoy listening to.
8. Seeing a Friend Stumble Over Himself – As you walk across the street with your friend, he fails to accurately address the curb on the other side.  He trips and stumbles around momentarily before regaining his footing, then swiftly attempts to play it off like nothing happened.  This can be a hilarious sight if the moment is right.
9. Hearing the Right Song at the Right Moment – It doesn’t matter what the setting is, hearing the right song for that moment is one of those simple pleasures in life that instantly lifts your spirits. You could be driving home from work, hanging out at a bar with friends, or jogging. When the right song rattles your ear drums the entire meaning of life seems crystal clear.
10. The First Sip of a Beverage When You’re Thirsty – You just finished mowing the lawn or taking a long jog.  The only thing on your mind is an ice-cold glass of water.  When you are really, really thirsty, that first sip of any liquid beverage is sheer bliss.
11. Catching a Glimpse of Bare Skin on the Opposite Sex – For guys, it’s when the waitress bends over a little too far.  For girls it’s seeing that buff guy in a Speedo.  Either way, when you see a bit more skin than you were expecting on the opposite sex, you can’t help but to smirk on the inside.
12. Saying the Same Thing Simultaneously – There is a moment of silence.  Then all of the sudden you and your friend blurt out the same exact set of words simultaneously.  This rare occurrence is something to smile about.
13. The Pull-Through Parking Spot – You pull into a parking spot and are delighted to see the availability of the parking spot immediately in front of you.  You pull through to the spot in front so that when you return to the car you can drive forward out of the parking spot.  Why?  Because driving backwards is a pain in the butt.
14. Realizing You Have More Time to Sleep – Something abruptly awakens you and you think it’s time to get up.  Then you squint over at your alarm clock and realize you still have 2 more hours to sleep.  A warm euphoric feeling shoots though your body as you glide gracefully back to your dreams.
15. People Watching – Sitting there on your bench you can see people in every direction.  Tall people, small people, thin and plump.  Blond, brunette, and redhead alike.  Each of them has a different stride and a unique expression.  As you drift from body to body you are mesmerized by what you see.
16. Putting On Clothes Straight from the Dryer – As soon as the dryer buzzes, you pull out your clothes and put them on.  They feel soothingly warm on your skin and emit a fresh-scented aroma into the air.  A sentiment of ease comes over you as you head out to conquer the day.
17. A Familiar Smell – You just pulled into your parent’s driveway and opened the car door.  You haven’t been home in a long while.  You smell familiarity in the air, the scent of a large pine tree in the neighbor’s yard.  As you head through the front door, more familiar smells consume your senses.  Gosh, it feels good to be home…
18. The Feeling You Get When Your Idea Works – You have been struggling to resolve a complex problem all day and you just can’t seem to get it right.  Filled with frustration, you decide to exercise one last idea before calling it a night.  You’ve had many ideas before that failed miserably… but this time it works.
19. Fresh, Clean Bed Sheets – You yank at the corner of the bedspread to create just enough space to slide your body under the freshly cleaned sheets.  The sheets feel cool to the touch.  Everything seems so clean, like nobody has ever slept in this bed before.
20. A Beautiful View – As the car veers around the side of the mountain you gaze out the passenger window.  It’s a clear, sunny day and you can see the entire valley below filled with wild flowers and bright green vegetation.  The scenery reminds you of something you once saw in National Geographic.  But here it is live, right before your eyes.
21. Reminiscing About Old Times with Your Closest Friends – Pink Floyd once said “the memories of a man in his old age are the deeds of a man in his prime”.  There is no simple pleasure more satisfying than recounting the greatest moments of your life with your closest friends who lived these moments alongside you.
22. Receiving an Unexpected Compliment – It’s been an average day.  Nothing really great has happened, but nothing terrible occurred either.  This monotonous day has put you in a dreary mood.  Unexpectedly, an older, attractive lady taps you on the shoulder, calls you “handsome” and says she loves your shirt.  The day just got a whole lot better.
23. Having a Good Laugh – Laughter is the greatest cure of all.  Life is extraordinary in the moments when you are laughing so hard you can barely breathe.  These moments of deep laughter are divine in the sense that they cleanse your mood and set your mind on a positive track.
24. The Feeling After a Healthy Workout – It’s a giddy feeling of self accomplishment; the one true activity that actually makes you feel better and look better simultaneously. When you walk out the front door of the gym you are on top of the world.
25. The Celebration in the Instant Something Makes Sense – Even now that it has explained to you for the third time, you just don’t understand how it works.  Everyone else seems to understand but you.  Then out of the blue the dots connect in your mind.  You finally get it, and it feels great!
26. Relaxing Outdoors on a Sunny Day – As you relax sprawled out in a lawn chair, the sun warms your skin and a light breeze keeps the temperature comfortable.  Birds are chirping merrily in the trees behind you.  You are at complete peace with the environment.
27. Holding Hands with Someone You Love – Every time she grabs your hand you are overcome with an awareness of how much she means to you.  Holding hands is sensual and physically intimate, yet subtle.  There are few people you allow to hold your hand, so when it happens you can be sure that the moment is special.
28. Playing in the Water – Water marvels people of all ages.  From jumping in puddles as a child, to doing cannon balls in the pool as an adolescent, to enjoying a cocktail in the Jacuzzi as an adult… water is enjoyable.
29. Making Someone Smile – You notice that your colleague has been under a great deal of stress with meeting a deadline, so you take it upon yourself to complete one of her indirect responsibilities for her.   As soon as she realizes what you did, she comes into your office with a big smile on her face.  “Thank you”, she says.  You just hit two birds with one stone, because making her smile just made your day.
30. Finishing What You Started – You just finished up a big project you’ve been working on for the last few months, or maybe you just finished your first marathon… Either way, you finalized what you set out to accomplish.  The feeling of self accomplishment you get when you finish what you started is by far one of the most rewarding simple pleasures life has to offer.

Status: “What makes me sad now is not that you are not here.. but the fact that we CAN live our lives independently.”

What’s the point of saving something that longs to die? How do you save something that has long been gone? Why do you try to breath air to something that is comfortable six feet under? How do you save something that hates being saved? I must let it die then. And I must let it rot.  For there already is no hope in it, in bringing it back alive.  I better lay it rest than suffer from watching it struggle with its last, gasping breaths. Let it die with dignity, and pride and grace. Only then can I live peacefully with eyebrows raised to all those times I was pathetically caring for the apathetic.

Characters can be deceiving, actions can be misunderstood.  When heart is so numb with pain that it starts to stop functioning for itself, the mind then jumps into action, taking over, working through the unconscious level that even the one who owns it can’t stop it.  Mine was unstoppable.. and explosive even.

******

I don’t think it’s very apt for you to hate me when you never appreciated everything i was for you.  But then, I was never able to stop you from anything.  You never listened to me yet you think trash about me.  I really believe that love is blind. Because if not, how was I able to stay with you all these months? And if only you’ll let me, i’ll stay still.

Status: Two days and counting

They say it takes twenty-one days to form a habit.  This will then be the longest twenty-one days of my life.  But it won’t be that hard, I guess.  The timing couldn’t be more perfect.  I’ll be extremely busy next week with lots of people around me.  Immersing myself wouldn’t be that hard.. Before I know it, more than a week will be gone.  On times I’d be missing him terribly, there’s always coffee and Zafra and maybe, just maybe, a couple sticks of cigarettes.

Adjustment is not difficult, it doesn’t pose that much changes in my somehow routinary life, anyway.  He’s normally away, we don’t really see each other often.  But I am missing having someone I could almost always talk with, from the most significant to the most trivial things.  I miss having someone I can bother when boredom strikes or problems arise. I miss having someone who greets me in the morning. I miss having someone I can confide to without ever fearing that he might spill the beans if he gets mad at me. I miss having someone who will badger me with enough ‘umuwi ka na’ text to make me go home. I miss having someone who’ll tell me not to do this and that because he pseudocares. I miss having fights over trivial matters.  I miss the seriously rare sleep hugs he used to give me.  I miss the rollercoaster emotions we have day in, day out.

I guess I miss doing things for him, too. I love giving him shirts, that’s among the first things we did together. I love giving him medicine because I hate it when he’s ill up there and I can never be with him to ensure he’ll be all right. I miss looking for new stuff for him to try.  I miss the fitting room trouncing.  I miss everything.

We used to have plans for the coming days.  No definite plans, just abstractions of what we would love to do. I hope that he’ll remember me even for just a fleeting moment once he gets the chance to do what we would’ve done should we had stayed together.

Should he change his mind and decides to talk with me again, I hope I haven’t gone that far away yet. I hope he wouldn’t experience from me what the past guys had. Speaking from a me who still badly cares for him, who doesn’t want him having a rough time, I want to protect him from myself. Because I am pretty sure that when I have gone far, I’ll either turn into a beast who’ll want revenge or a glacier who’ll turn him into an ice through sheer apathy.

Status: Is this all it’s going to be?

My dear blog who catches all my rants, whines, vents, and all out yucky-emoness, guess what…  YES! You got it right! How do you know that we are in a fight again? He hates me, he made it clear that I know it.  I feel so low and I couldn’t care less if I am appearing to be a sucker for harshness and uhh, yes a little bit of pathetic. This is how my brain functions to save what’s left of me.  I saw the over-all scheme of my subconscious and I guess a pretty clever plan it is. I can only hope for the best.

I still can’t get over the fact that he aced his evaluation. He’s finally in. I’ve always believed in him, even when he was being pseudo-pessimistic about everything. I can only be happy for him. He finally made it.  I saw him through it, helped him in every way I can. I am proud of him, so so so proud of him. But it’s a lonely proud-ness because he’ll never know or care.

Status: Pure hunch or pure paranoia?

How do you ignore your hunches that bug you with their alarming negativity? How do you try to act like nothing is going wrong when you know very well that ignored hunches doesn’t stop the coming doom?

I’ve been connecting with lots of people in the past week, my calendar full of scheduled trips and meet-ups.  But even with the presence of everyone, I am still alone and lonely.  Tons and tons of people around and not one of them is the presence I crave. Ironically,  it’s the one presence that is drifting away.

I am afraid he’ll continuously slip away. I hope not, I could only hope not.

***

He just called. He made iiiit! He passed his checkpoint.  I am damn proud of that guy.  I have always been, will always be.  Add the fact that he called me after he got the result, when he was still crying with bliss, I am also on the cloud nine Forget the fact that he called other people, too. Haha.  I have to get out of this.

The paradox of being with him is, If I want to stay with him, I must let him go.