perfect imperfection
my life is in the most perfect imbalance it can possibly impossibly reach. in fact, i never have thought it can actually reach this point where everything is tipping over one side. it wouldn’t be a problem if only things were all on the good side. sad truth is, one bad thing happens after the other. so many are these sad happenings that my list can go on and on for forever and even then, i wouldn’t be able to finish reciting all.
i don’t want to look whiny. i want to think all these things don’t affect me. i want to make myself believe i am strong enough to surpass this point in my life where everything and everyone seems to be conspiring against me. but it is a lost battle. my heart is breaking and my insides is crying. what a pathetic situation i am in. my heart is pumping frustrations and pent up emotions instead of red blood. i am a walking stress in the flesh.
i am in no mood to cover up my devastating state with an unbeatable front. much as i dont want to look whiny, i cannot hold back my emotions anymore. i cannot deceive myself any minute longer. right now, now that i finally gave in into my weak state, i am thinking what more bad things can possibly happen. and honestly, i think i have experienced everything. add just one more unfortunate circumstance and i swear im gonna give the word crazy a new, deeper meaning.
have other people already experienced this? maybe. i wonder how they were able to pass this kind of experience with flying colors. i am flunking, flunking.
i lost my most precious watch. the only possession i ever loved this much besides the ring my mom got me.
i never got in into my dream company.
i never got in into another dream company.
i am pressured to my bones by circumatances. why, even taxi drivers didn’t want to bring me to my destination when it was a life or death situation.
i have this feeling i might not get in into another dream company. i don’t want this to come true, of course. nut you must understand the stress of waiting for the result imparts in me. oh please, this will be the cream on the top if you want me to go crazy.
and these are just the top, major reasons of my frustrations and unhealthy emotions. i dont want to go ranting on forever. i’ll just leave the other details unsaid. but a matter, regardless of size and weight, is still a matter and it affects me like any other.
nikki, pass me the alcohol please.
where arth thou, my love?
i am getting addicted again to reading books. pocketbooks in particular. love stories, to be more specific. yeah, sorry to tell you that i am really a mushy person. there’s nothing really wrong with it. in fact it is a good stress reliever. i just hate the fact that it takes much of my time reading when i could’ve used the precious time writing my journal manuscript.
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actually, it doesn’t matter to me if i waste my time on these books. in a way, i feel happy reading them and then it is not a waste of time anymore. how can something that made one happy be a waste? it just can’t be.
the real problem is it makes me realize things that i am not sure if i should be aware of. i mean, i am already ok being this way, should i really be made aware of the things i lack? it is not even in my hands to ‘acquire’ it even if i want to. in the end, knowing about ‘it’ puts me in a depressing situation.
which leads me into thinking, since i already am aware of ‘its’ existence, why don’t i have it?
am i not worthy of having it? [no.]
am i not good enough? [that couldn't be.]
am i lacking the charm to lure it into my lair? [huwaw.]
what? [answer me.]
hai. God must have a really good reason for its non-existence in my life.
